It's not nice when someone just wants to bug you. It seems somehow they reach you and affect your life.
I really want this idea that it's okay to punish me and treat me differently ends. I've even got the drift that the people who I thought acted like they wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word in order to make it not seem scary and because words are just words ... are actually mad at me, when it's their fault. I never meant them any harm, and this is what I get. I get insulted for doing things by accident that aren't as mean as others but maybe suggestive.
It's just that I grew up being assured I was a good person. Then, people come up on me and are critical, as though I never inquired the idea.
Things are kinda cool. I try to take them positively, but it just seems like the punishment ideas keep coming, even if I want to block them out. It's not really funny. It's only because of the "n" word thing! I thought people got it wasn't my fault! It's not alright to lie and say it's cool to torture me. It's like they'll be hurt if they don't hurt me. I thought this was over.
I think the "n" word thing started that I ended up in the mental hospital, after it happened. Someone like cornered me and read into what I did. The next thing I knew, it seemed like everyone knew. Eventually, I got out. It seemed like everyone knew. I did go back, but even before I was having problems. My dad said if I go back one more time I'm moving out. It is very miserable there. It's almost not survivable, to sit in a room all day where there's not enough seating and with workers at a desk in the center constantly shifting through papers and closing binders. I was at a loss for sleep, at the time.
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